"I
fear for my soul if I were to believe that it’s my responsibility to make sure
men never desire me. My Lord didn’t put that burden on me, and I refuse to put
it on myself." --Unknown
Until
recently, I have been struggling with the idea of being a female Muslim. It
sounds so stupid; trust me, I know, because I would just belittle the problem
for the longest time. Then it came to a point where it boiled over and….well,
let me explain.
I
started university in 2010. Before that, I attended an Islamic school which I
enjoyed very much. Once college began, I found myself put into a very similar
environment to that of my high school: I was part of a very large and diverse
Muslim community. I loved it. I still to this day talk about how my favorite
period of life was my three years of undergrad. But it didn't come
without its struggles. That was the very first time in my life that I felt weird being a girl. When Muslim brothers
used to pass us in the hallways or in a classroom they would literally look the
other way. During my first 2 years there, none of them would say "Alsalam
Alaikum" to us when they saw us. As a 17 year old who had been taught in
high school about the importance of unity in Islam and benefit of saying 'salam'
to a fellow Muslim, I was confused. When I asked some of the older sisters
about this, they would nonchalantly tell me that the brothers were just being
modest. They only spoke to the sisters when they absolutely had no other
choice. "That’s odd", I thought, but I bought it. It didn’t bother
them or me and I could see no harm coming from it, so I didn’t give it another
thought.
Until
my last year at university. I had decided to apply to become an e-board member
of the Muslim organization on campus. I thought it would be a good use of my
time and it would help me become closer to Allah (swt), and it did
walhamdulilah. But as the year went by, and I had to extensively work with both
brothers and sisters to get events together and whatnot, I began to see why I
had felt out of place being a girl before. On many an occasion, when discussing
certain things like jama'ah prayer, seating arrangements, and things of the
like, brothers would suggest (and sometimes insist) on having the sisters
completely cut off from an activity by either seating them differently or
having a curtain/barrier put up between them and the brothers, or removing them
from the activity all together. I do not want to get into the details of the
arguments because they were private after all, but suffice it to say that every
single one of the sisters that were part of the conversation was appalled. I
for one overreacted and went on a rant. After a few very heated
back-and-forths, I ended with this: "These conversations always end
up leaving me feeling like I have to be ashamed of being female and
that I have to spend my life making sure the other gender doesn't
commit any sins".
Even
reading that now makes my heart hurt and my eyes water. I guess you're
wondering what their argument was and why we sisters couldn't just have a
civilized discussion with them about how they were most definitely in
the wrong trying to shove a whole gender, a whole half of their ummah, to the
side. Well, the point they kept bringing up was that females are one of the
biggest fitnah (trail/test) to men. And they brought up some of the most famous
sahih ahadeeth on this subject:
"The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allah be upon him) said, “I have not left behind any fitnah more harmful to men
than women.” (Bukhari)
Because
of this hadith, the brothers thought that all our arguments were invalid and
that they needed to do whatever they could to make sure they were not 'tested',
even if it was costing us. But here is something I realized after a couple
months of thinking: they, like many other brothers thought that the only way a
woman can be a test to a man is by her looks. That was how I understood it for
a long time too. That is how it was taught to me. Now-- I am not a scholar or
even anything close to that. I have not extensively studied fiqh or sharia'ah.
I am just a Muslim American girl that was struggling to find her footing-- so
this may not be the only interpretation or even the correct one, but I am so
much more at peace with this struggle because of it. I've come to the
conclusion that yes, women are definitely a fitnah to men because of
their looks, but how men treat them and
act toward them because of or despite that, is also a test. It’s all about
finding the middle ground. Giving in to your desires and allowing yourself to
come close to zinnah is definitely not the way to go, but neither is completely
ignoring the other gender and all but deeming them taboo in their entirety as a
means to ensure you are never ever confronted with the test to begin
with.
To all of the brothers, and even sisters, who think that women
need to be on the backburner in order for our ummah to function: I respectfully
disagree. I could sit here and tell you about how Islam was born in the lap of
a woman, that the first Muslim to die for the sake of Allah (swt) was a woman,
and how after the Prophet's (saw) death, one of the most knowledgeable persons
about our wonderful beautiful religion was a woman, but you already know that.
You know our importance and our worth. I am not claiming that you don't. I am
humbly reminding you that although you might recognize our importance and worth
in your minds, your actions don't. Your actions make us feel like we are to
blame. We are not. If you feel like you cannot deal with the very real desire
that overcomes you when you are in the company of a woman, especially if the
woman is a sister in Islam, NEVER try to blame her. Never try to belittle her
opinions and her sense of being by making it seem like she is the devil's spawn
and you are the victim. Never make her feel like her gender is a sin because
Allah (swt) created her in the most perfect way just like he created you. By
doing so, you are unconsciously telling her that her looks are all that matter and that is the only thing you see in her. You are reassuring her, just like
pop-culture and media is, that the only factor you are judging her by is her
appearance and that is not what Islam teaches us. You know that. Go do some
soul searching and strengthen your iman. It’s a struggle, but all of life is a
struggle and just because our struggles are different doesn't mean
yours is any more important then hers. She has to work on herself and fight
with her nafs too. She faces fitnah too. Your salvation is not more important
then hers. Do not trample her on your way to heaven.
